the border

line between human and

oh, pardon me for entering your country. your country. that's where the trouble starts. it gets me every time. how ridiculous it is. when we approached the officer in his booth. still in our car, he looked at our passports and then turned to us and said (literally, I am not joking!!): "Let's cut to the chase, how long will you be in the States for?" CUT TO THE CHASE? Seriously? As I looked around it dawned on me how sad it is. All these male officers walking around. Wide legged, chewing gum, trying so hard to look tough. Like a man. A protector. And I just wanted to say: "It's okay, we don't need that anymore. We respect you without all that drama. It's okay not to know. I know that's difficult.  Relax. Smile for a change."
 And then they made us go inside and wait. Wait with mostly asian or hispanic people. There was a poster on the wall saying "this is the face of our nation" promoting the new digital photos they are taking of people. And I looked around and thought "this is the face of our nation" and yet you are treating them like they are a threat.

They looked at our car and our food, and they threw out a whole container of rice. Because red rice is apparently a weed for the US. I smiled and nodded but inside I was repeating "you just threw out rice that could have lasted me for the next 2 weeks!". 

I invite you all to travel with someone to the US who is not a Canadian citizen. Cuz unless you do, you will never, never see the world I see every time I cross. You will just move through. Effortless, with a smile even. Who knows. But if you don't look a certain way or come from a different country then they will wave you to a different place. I know very well that I am complaining from a privileged place. I am white, german and a woman. I move through those borders fairly easily. But sitting there amongst my relatives from other countries I just feel so angry. So upset when the officers treat people like they are stupid just cuz their English is bad. Maybe angry is not the right word. It might be disbelief. It's just so ridiculous. The insecurities of the officers working are so obvious. And I know they are just doing their job. And most of them try hard to do it well. But this system. It doesn't work with children, you know? Be all intimidating. Tough. Harsh. I tried it but it doesn't work. It doesn't teach them anything positive. Or change them for the better. They just get scared and turn into people who are intimidating and angry. And so on. So when I look at those officers and how they treat us, I see a whole story. And the story of the story. 

We made it through. It took about an hour. We lost our rice and Nick's apple. He was upset about that for the next hour. I always leave the border not knowing if I should laugh or cry. It's always very hard for me to not just laugh out loud while going through the routine. And I also always leave having the image of all these eyes in my head. The eyes of the people waiting. Scared. Worried. Hopeful. Trying to be reassuring that they belong to good people. 

We are good people. 

Please let us through.

some voices

crazy caterpillars crawling cross my belly.
as i listen to two people screaming
high pitched angry
male female dynamics
it's sickening
the pain i hear in both voices
the story they don't share with each other
but that is running the conversation
underneath it all.
and so i stand and i breathe and i wait for something
someone to explode
it's the house beside me
i think
so close
and yet i feel a thousand miles away
in my head i am screaming
SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!
and i stand and breathe and wait for something
someone to explode
and part of me is glad it's not me.

rain

falls
heavy
six am beauty
i sit and watch
a breeze and gush of rain
keep me company
every now and then.
hushhhhhhhhhhh.
the chocolate banana bread
 is deliciously sweet at this hour
drip drop drip drop.
life comes in all shades of colors.
today it is luscious green
green green green
hanging from. climbing up. peeking out.
ssssssssssssssssssss.
as the sky opens
 my lungs are soft
and i feel i am on an island
just me and the rain and the
chocolate banana bread
at six am in the morning.

the bubbles.

there they are.

standing.

close together.

future actors. artists. shakers. and movers.

they might not know it yet.

i stood back after being engaged for so long and simply watched.

watched them hug. say their good-byes. laugh. and well, cry a little too.

we created a family.

how do you do that? how did this come to be? i asked myself.

and i remember the months prior to this moment. prior to feeling proud and accomplished.

there is the work. the moment to moment decisions. i think that's what creates a family. the interactions. and it wasn't always easy. this work challenges me. brings up my insecurities. i learn so much about myself. and sometimes that's not easy.

after most students had left there was a small group still hugging and talking to each other. they stood in a circle and 'checked out'. i was cleaning up and overheard it. and i felt so happy in that moment. checking out. going around the circle and sharing how everyone is feeling. we do this at the beginning of each rehearsal and at the end. it was weird for some of them to do this at first. say how they are. just say it. no response to it. simply stating how you are feeling. but now, it's part of them being together. so when i heard them initiate it by themselves, i felt a deep sense of pride. of happiness. gratitude.

my dad once said to me that it puzzles him how i can put so much work into a theatre project only to perform it once or twice and then move on to the next. he is an engineer. whatever he creates will be around for years to come. but the contentment i feel when i mop the stage after a powerful performance, even if it is the last one, is so vast it takes over my whole body. and i know what was created and shared on stage that night will linger in the space as well as the audience members for years to come. this energy. i like to think about it as invisible bubbles. tiny ones. that settle down onto the audience and move through their outer skin to become part of their body memory. and so one day when they move their left pinky toe, they suddenly remember a movement or line from one of our plays. and they will feel what they felt at exactly that moment when they saw it on stage. and so the plays never really finish.

theatre never ends with the bows. that's when it actually begins its first act. everything prior to that was just the prelude.

dialogue.

why are we as a species afraid of dialogue?
what is it that scares us? is it the facing up to someone else's feelings that might not be positive?
i am always amazed how much pain and suffering i put myself through by not just laying out the cards.
plain and simple. this is how i am feeling when you said that. this is why i felt like that.
can there be space?
it feels great to get it off my chest. before i seek the dialogue my mind is cycling turbo speed. it's fuel is a repetitive monologue. this is what it means. this is why he/she did it. i am not good enough. something is wrong with me.
gasp.

hi, do you remember when you said "this and that" the other day. well, "this" really hurt me because it triggered something in me that happened before. and "that", put me in a place where i felt i had to defend myself. just wanted to share. cuz i am sure you didn't intend to hurt me. but it did. can we talk about it?
wow.
sky opens     stretches the horizon    out,    out,     and    beyond the corners of my eyes.
can i actually start to love dialogue?
what if i seek it like a moth. swirl, swirl, swirl. catchooo.

bottom line is i like you and care not only for you and me but also for this elephant that might grow and feed of my soul for the days to come and i will sit under his left back foot, mumbling quietly out loud. akjhf fbskyaw; fnfaswabf.
and really, what i want to really do, is enjoy all of this.
that is.
right now.

tension..

tension
expands like a balloon
but it never pops
it sits.
it sits in my chest and
blows into my heart like a child into a pinwheel
so it runs
my heart runs
on the spot
really fast.
the vibration moves my chest,
wanders right into my finger's tips.
and the room suddenly gets smaller,
smaller and smaller
until
it is just my heart running
on the spot
really fast
it propels me up
up up up
far away from my toes.
my head goes through the roof
and it's just my heart
running still
on the spot.

all it might take, is one breath.
in and out
to land safely back on my two feet.

now or ever.

wind wind
blows
schhhhhhh
around my house
my house with a roof
schhhhhh
and the music filling this room
quietly
the softness of my bedcovers
the wildness of a brewing storm
it's my heart that's calm
while outside
outside
the world is shaking
the leaves are rattling
it's a concert of it's own kind
and i stand and applaud with my heart
fierce
the air is filled with popsicles
and i swim upside down
my arms lower than my legs
my hair reaching
to the ground
it's a moment full of bliss
and as i write this
a new one is created.