some voices

crazy caterpillars crawling cross my belly.
as i listen to two people screaming
high pitched angry
male female dynamics
it's sickening
the pain i hear in both voices
the story they don't share with each other
but that is running the conversation
underneath it all.
and so i stand and i breathe and i wait for something
someone to explode
it's the house beside me
i think
so close
and yet i feel a thousand miles away
in my head i am screaming
SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!
and i stand and breathe and wait for something
someone to explode
and part of me is glad it's not me.

rain

falls
heavy
six am beauty
i sit and watch
a breeze and gush of rain
keep me company
every now and then.
hushhhhhhhhhhh.
the chocolate banana bread
 is deliciously sweet at this hour
drip drop drip drop.
life comes in all shades of colors.
today it is luscious green
green green green
hanging from. climbing up. peeking out.
ssssssssssssssssssss.
as the sky opens
 my lungs are soft
and i feel i am on an island
just me and the rain and the
chocolate banana bread
at six am in the morning.

the bubbles.

there they are.

standing.

close together.

future actors. artists. shakers. and movers.

they might not know it yet.

i stood back after being engaged for so long and simply watched.

watched them hug. say their good-byes. laugh. and well, cry a little too.

we created a family.

how do you do that? how did this come to be? i asked myself.

and i remember the months prior to this moment. prior to feeling proud and accomplished.

there is the work. the moment to moment decisions. i think that's what creates a family. the interactions. and it wasn't always easy. this work challenges me. brings up my insecurities. i learn so much about myself. and sometimes that's not easy.

after most students had left there was a small group still hugging and talking to each other. they stood in a circle and 'checked out'. i was cleaning up and overheard it. and i felt so happy in that moment. checking out. going around the circle and sharing how everyone is feeling. we do this at the beginning of each rehearsal and at the end. it was weird for some of them to do this at first. say how they are. just say it. no response to it. simply stating how you are feeling. but now, it's part of them being together. so when i heard them initiate it by themselves, i felt a deep sense of pride. of happiness. gratitude.

my dad once said to me that it puzzles him how i can put so much work into a theatre project only to perform it once or twice and then move on to the next. he is an engineer. whatever he creates will be around for years to come. but the contentment i feel when i mop the stage after a powerful performance, even if it is the last one, is so vast it takes over my whole body. and i know what was created and shared on stage that night will linger in the space as well as the audience members for years to come. this energy. i like to think about it as invisible bubbles. tiny ones. that settle down onto the audience and move through their outer skin to become part of their body memory. and so one day when they move their left pinky toe, they suddenly remember a movement or line from one of our plays. and they will feel what they felt at exactly that moment when they saw it on stage. and so the plays never really finish.

theatre never ends with the bows. that's when it actually begins its first act. everything prior to that was just the prelude.