i am sorry.

do you have moments that you look back on
and wish you had done something different?
said something.
or stayed quiet.
i find it such a blessing to have a chance to face some of those moments years later.
to say 'i am sorry'.
or
'i love you.'
or
'thank you'.
it's hard to realize what pain i caused to some people
i dearly cared for.
how hurtful i can be. it scares me a bit.
how i can turn off my 'caring'
and instead i become cold. and hard.
i tend to ignore situations i don't like because i have this
thought that it might just go away if i don't look at it.
it will shrink like a plant cuz my glances are its water.
but those situations are like a cactus. they survive.
and they keep poking me. every now and then, when
i try to look in the opposite direction.
they poke me in the guts. it's a familiar feeling. i know it well.
but i keep turning
turning away.
until this visit.
saying sorry for hurting someone i really liked isn't easy.
because i know no matter how many times i will say 'i am sorry', it's not up to me to decide whether it will make a difference.
i do believe that everything happens for a reason. and i did learn my lesson.
but this thorn i have sticking in my skin
between my heart and my guts
that thorn sometimes whispers 'what if you just didn't do what you did do? what if'
it scares me how quickly we, i can go from love to hate. how we, i can shut down.
shut out. nobody home. and how much we, i still haven't learned from our, my mistakes.

maybe i am the one who needs to accept my 'i am sorry'.
maybe that's all that it takes.
it seems the easy way out.
i am sorry.